Saturday, February 14, 2009

Triumph of the Jews


To: All Jews
From: Supreme Commander of Uber-Zionism (SCUZ)
Subject: It's Working!

Fellow Jews of all ages, socio-economic status, country of residence, and walk of life: our grand plan is working!

As you know from the top-secret writings which your rabbis teach you in temple, all Jews are united in a grand plot to take over the world. Throughout history, we've inveigled ourselves into high positions in government, industry, and the media. Here we've acted like we're just good ol' Americans or Brits or Frenchmen, but in reality we have been secretly communicating with each other via cryptic notes in drop sites, coded messages on the Internet, and loaded words embedded in official publications. We've acted as if the gentiles were persecuting us, and in truth they've been quite fooled a time or two (e.g. the Holocaust). In addition, we've allowed world opinion to continually castigate Israel, even encouraging it by occasionally retaliating against the Islamofascists when their suicide bombers and the missles they lob into our cities kill an intolerable number of our citizens.

But all the time we've been secretly in charge, busily hatching our centuries-old plot to gain world domination. And it's working! Our people in the Democratic Party in America convinced those who fancied themselves in power in the Clinton Administration to demand that banks lend mortgage money to no-hopers who never had a prayer of repaying the loans. Then our people in the banking industry bundled up these worthless mortgages and labeled them "mortgage-backed securities." These worthless pieces of paper, based upon the government's backing through Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, were used to create all kinds of funny money, such as "derivatives" and "options." Our investment bankers dizzily bought and sold, bought and sold, driving the stock market and housing market up, up, UP! until the house of cards came tumbling down. Oh, the delicious sound of the stock market crashing 2,000 points in one month!

Our people in the Chinese government (don't ask me any questions; believe me, they're in there) convinced the Chicoms to buy just tons of U.S. treasury bills and government bonds, all of it worthless because of the socialist demands and dreams of the Democrat majority in the U.S. Congress. The same is true of the Arab oil sheiks (and don't you know that getting our people into those royal families was an amazing accomplishment!), who bought American treasuries and invested in American industries with all the oil money they'd gained because the deluded enviro-whackos in the U.S. had convinced Congress not to allow drilling of the vast oil reserves in the U.S. So when the American house of financial cards fell like confetti in the wind, the Chinese and Arab banks, along with the European currencies that were dependent upon them, collapsed like air sputtering out of an untied balloon.

And now our hour of triumph is upon us! With the collapse of financial markets in virtually every civilized nation, the environment is ripe for our people to completely restructure the world's money system. Jews (and even secret Jews...Ha! Bet you didn't know we had 'em!) can create an interconnected financial network which funnels a controlling interest straight to Tel Aviv. When it's rolled out, every Swede and Zimbabwean and Tongan and Khazakstan will be paying a tax to Zionism. What a wonderful thought! What an astounding picture!

But we have to be careful. They may be onto us. A survey earlier this month ( revealed that a full 31% of Europeans blame Jews for the current global financial crisis. How did they know? This is very disturbing. We must all back off a bit, perhaps not wear our traditional outfits on the Sabbath or maybe drive somewhere on a Saturday instead of walking. Eat some bacon. You know? Anything to throw them off the scent.

Muslims are trained to think of us as apes and pigs, so they'll never suspect. It's the civilized nations I'm concerned about, the ones that use indoor plumbing and such like.

So let's be careful, brothers and sisters of united Zionsim across the world. Our hour has come! Finally we will be the global brain trust that we've been accused of being all these centuries!

For Jews,

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