Friday, February 27, 2009

What's Wrong with Grandma?

"Mama, tell me about Grandma," the little girl asked.

Her mother sighed and glanced at her mother, lying restlessly on the couch. In the evening light, Grandma's skin was a strange shade of ashen and green. Everyone in the household except the little girl knew that it was not an illusion; Grandma's liver had been failing for some time, and the backed-up bile in her bloodstream had now begun to penetrate the capillaries nearest the skin. They told the little girl that Grandma was just 'in a bit of a state' and wouldn't elaborate.

"Well," the mother said hesitantly. She looked down at her daughter, and a tear coursed down her cheek. Hurriedly, the mother looked away and wiped her face. With a brave smile and sparkling eyes, she faced her daughter again. "Grandma...well, she's uh, she's..." She glanced at her mother and back to her daughter. "Grandma is soon going to have an adventure," she said cryptically.

"An adventure?" the girl replied, eyes wide.

"Yes," her mother replied. "Grandma is, well, you see, she's going to go to another place."

The little girl looked over at the supine and languid figure on the couch. "But Grandma can't walk any more, Mama," she protested. "How is she going to go to another place?"

The mother caught a sob and stared out the window for a long moment, trembling. When she had control of herself, she again smiled and replied "It's her spirit that will go to the other place, honey. Her body will remain here. We'll put her body in the ground because she won't need it anymore."

The little girl looked at the old woman on the couch, who until a few months ago had been the vibrant, smiling, loving friend she'd always taken for granted. Now she looked solemnly at her mother. "Why is Grandma like that, Mama?" she asked.

Her mother sighed deeply. A long moment passed. At length, she turned to her daughter, lips pursed. "It's like this, honey," she replied. She sighed. Pressing on, she said "We used to have doctors and hospitals who could help Grandma," she began. "Young men and women would go to medical school and become doctors because they wanted to help people and because they could make a pretty good living doing it. And we used to have hospitals where sick people could go, and these doctors and their helpers called nurses would take really, really good care of people. If we had that now, Grandma would get better. But we listened to a man who told us he would lead us from a bad place to a good place. He said he had the answers to poverty and homelessness and racism. He said the evil capitalists were to blame, and if we elected him, he could solve all our problems. Some people didn't believe him. But many, many people did, and we voted for him."

"We had high hopes that he would bring a new world, that he was some sort of, I don't know, messiah or something. We were so happy, believing that everything would be just fine. But within days after he took office, things began to change. He brought in a team of people just like him, and they began to dismantle--that means take apart, honey--the government. Then they rebuilt it like they wanted it to be, with government people running everything and everybody reporting to the government to get their handouts. Soon it became more sensible not to work, since there are always some who won't rely on the government but insist on making their own way. The government required those people to support the rest of us."

"Well, honey, things began to go bad. At first, we didn't see the full extent of what this man was doing, or if we did, we looked the other way. After all, those millions of us who voted for him couldn't have been that stupid, could we? No, not at all. But we became nervous, honey. We sure did."

"One of the things that changed was that the government took over the hospitals and began to tell doctors and nurses how to do their work. Most doctors didn't like that. Many of them quit being doctors. Soon we had to invite doctors from other countries to come to work in the hospitals. But that seemed okay, because they would work for a lot less than our own doctors had been earning. Some of them actually seemed to know medicine."

"But what we discovered is that with the government running the hospitals, it became more and more difficult to see a doctor. There's what's called 'rationed care,' which...well, the best I can explain it is if I buy a package of Oreos and only give you one a week or maybe one a year because there aren't enough Oreos for you and all your friends. Do you see, honey?"

The little girl shook her head.

Her mother sighed. "I don't either, to tell you the truth," she remarked bitterly. She glanced at her mother and quickly away. "Well, anyway, we tried to get Grandma into a hospital a few months ago, when she began to feel bad, but we just couldn't get an appointment. I think it's because of her age."

"Her age?"

"Yes," the mother replied. "You see, honey, the government has, uh, 'guidelines' on who can receive care and who can't. People like your Grandma are considered to be over the age where people are useful, so they have to give the care to younger people."

The little girl walked over to her grandmother and smoothed a wisp of gray hair off the semi-counscious woman's forehead. "Grandma isn't old, Mama," she said quietly.

When there was no reply, the little girl glanced at her mother. The woman sat, head buried in her hands, weeping and rocking gently back and forth. Quickly the little girl ran to her mother and buried her face in her lap. "Oh, I hope you don't get too old for the government, Mama!" she cried.

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Triumph of the Jews


To: All Jews
From: Supreme Commander of Uber-Zionism (SCUZ)
Subject: It's Working!

Fellow Jews of all ages, socio-economic status, country of residence, and walk of life: our grand plan is working!

As you know from the top-secret writings which your rabbis teach you in temple, all Jews are united in a grand plot to take over the world. Throughout history, we've inveigled ourselves into high positions in government, industry, and the media. Here we've acted like we're just good ol' Americans or Brits or Frenchmen, but in reality we have been secretly communicating with each other via cryptic notes in drop sites, coded messages on the Internet, and loaded words embedded in official publications. We've acted as if the gentiles were persecuting us, and in truth they've been quite fooled a time or two (e.g. the Holocaust). In addition, we've allowed world opinion to continually castigate Israel, even encouraging it by occasionally retaliating against the Islamofascists when their suicide bombers and the missles they lob into our cities kill an intolerable number of our citizens.

But all the time we've been secretly in charge, busily hatching our centuries-old plot to gain world domination. And it's working! Our people in the Democratic Party in America convinced those who fancied themselves in power in the Clinton Administration to demand that banks lend mortgage money to no-hopers who never had a prayer of repaying the loans. Then our people in the banking industry bundled up these worthless mortgages and labeled them "mortgage-backed securities." These worthless pieces of paper, based upon the government's backing through Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae, were used to create all kinds of funny money, such as "derivatives" and "options." Our investment bankers dizzily bought and sold, bought and sold, driving the stock market and housing market up, up, UP! until the house of cards came tumbling down. Oh, the delicious sound of the stock market crashing 2,000 points in one month!

Our people in the Chinese government (don't ask me any questions; believe me, they're in there) convinced the Chicoms to buy just tons of U.S. treasury bills and government bonds, all of it worthless because of the socialist demands and dreams of the Democrat majority in the U.S. Congress. The same is true of the Arab oil sheiks (and don't you know that getting our people into those royal families was an amazing accomplishment!), who bought American treasuries and invested in American industries with all the oil money they'd gained because the deluded enviro-whackos in the U.S. had convinced Congress not to allow drilling of the vast oil reserves in the U.S. So when the American house of financial cards fell like confetti in the wind, the Chinese and Arab banks, along with the European currencies that were dependent upon them, collapsed like air sputtering out of an untied balloon.

And now our hour of triumph is upon us! With the collapse of financial markets in virtually every civilized nation, the environment is ripe for our people to completely restructure the world's money system. Jews (and even secret Jews...Ha! Bet you didn't know we had 'em!) can create an interconnected financial network which funnels a controlling interest straight to Tel Aviv. When it's rolled out, every Swede and Zimbabwean and Tongan and Khazakstan will be paying a tax to Zionism. What a wonderful thought! What an astounding picture!

But we have to be careful. They may be onto us. A survey earlier this month ( revealed that a full 31% of Europeans blame Jews for the current global financial crisis. How did they know? This is very disturbing. We must all back off a bit, perhaps not wear our traditional outfits on the Sabbath or maybe drive somewhere on a Saturday instead of walking. Eat some bacon. You know? Anything to throw them off the scent.

Muslims are trained to think of us as apes and pigs, so they'll never suspect. It's the civilized nations I'm concerned about, the ones that use indoor plumbing and such like.

So let's be careful, brothers and sisters of united Zionsim across the world. Our hour has come! Finally we will be the global brain trust that we've been accused of being all these centuries!

For Jews,

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Why Aren't These Real Words?

If you've ever tried to post a comment on a website, you know that you're confronted with "words" that you're required to type into a box. These are listed to foil computer responses, or so I'm told.

Some of these "words" are too just good to exclude from the English language. I've saved a few of them, along with what I believe would be appropriate definitions:

Acrudir: an asset that has been assigned to you.

Bellwoof: a chained dog.

Browsness: a desire to go online.

Chaptio: flaky skin.

Chundert: vomit.

Dinte: a small, largely unimportant matter.

Gasorque: severe intestinal cramps.

Glrfist: a social misfit.

Hosif: unfortunately, Joseph has a harelip.

Inden: start a paragraph one space short.

Leaprapti: a kangaroo-like mammal.

Molatar: a specialty dermatologist.

Pitenam: the Asian black hole in which the U.S. made war in the 60's and 70's.

Pressesh: pushy, obnoxious

Proarr: quite in favor of r's.

Proctant: a patient of a doctor who specializes in anuses.

Proaslump: a medicine for hemorrhoids.

Redicus: a state of preparedness in the Vatican.

Remors: kind of sorry, but not really.

Rumbulus: gang trouble in the Vatican.

Smerm: an apple-polisher.

Sproo: what you spit when you're taking a drink and someone makes you laugh.

Turgrit: pre-floss material between your teeth.

Untersy: placid, soft-spoken.

Whemezi: the bacteria that produces a bad cough.

There are undoubtedly thousands of these that could and should be words. Please send me your favorites at Who knows? We could drive Mr. Webster nuts!